


Dear Sebastian

by Sangfroid_Sorrow



Series: Love is Silence [3]
Category: The Evil Within (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Denial, Depression, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Joseb - Freeform, Joseph is married, Letters, Loneliness, M/M, Sebastian is a good liar, Swearing, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-07-26 17:52:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7584142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sangfroid_Sorrow/pseuds/Sangfroid_Sorrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'A perfectionist who wants to kill himself' - Joseph, The Executioner.</p><p>When Sebastian Castellanos refuses any form of contact with his best friend after what he considers an unjustified betrayal, Joseph Oda takes to writing the other man letters, even when they remain unanswered. </p><p>While facing struggles with his family and a love he suppresses, Joseph finds comfort in sending messages to a ghost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Sebastian

**Author's Note:**

> It's mentioned that Joseph has a wife and daughter of his own, and in this fic 'Bryony' and 'Calla' will be the OCs mentioned that portray them. Calla is a type of lily. Thank you for checking this out!

_November 12th, '15_

_Dear Sebastian,_

_You haven't been replying to anything I send your way, but I'm not giving up yet. It's... well, it's hard, Seb, to write this letter. I'm assuming you've torn up all the others I've sent you, or just thrown them away like they meant nothing to you. Maybe they don't. I wish you'd read them. You don't know how long it takes to write them, just constantly thinking "wait, I've said that before... but maybe he didn't read that one, either". I miss you, but I've mentioned it a million times before. If you do read these, you're probably bored of it at this point. I don't blame you. Maybe you're bored of me, too._

_But if my presumptions are correct, I doubt you're reading this. In that case: you're a bastard, Sebastian Castellanos. God knows I'd never say this to your face, but trust me, I hate you in these moments almost as much as you clearly hate me. Don't you understand? ~~The fire~~ What happened hurt  all of us. Lily called me 'Uncle', Sebastian. Fuck, strangers past us on the street and thought I was her father. I cared too- don't take that from me. But you know what's worse? As much as it pains me to say, I could never care about her as much as you did. ~~You were~~ ~~You're~~ You were always a great father, but don't forget that you weren't the only heart that little girl touched. The only one she broke. _

_Dammit, why do I bother? It's not as if you'll ever see this. I'll tell you the truth, then. I owe you that. As much as Lily's death affected me, the loss of that child was somehow easier to accept than the loss of my best friend. You're not dead, Seb. No matter how you try to convince yourself that you're long gone, you're still here. I'm still here ~~for you~~ , ~~regardless of how you wish I weren't~~. _

_You're still welcome to come to Calla's birthday party. She's turning two, but I'm sure you remember that. She'd be so excited to see you! I'd be, too. There won't be alcohol, and smoking is strongly prohibited around the kids, but we'll have coke and the sugary shit you used to like. I think you'd enjoy it. ~~I hope to see you~~   ~~I hope you~~  We hope to see you there._

~~_Why don't you just let me help? And don't you dare try that 'because you can't help yourself' shit on me. I'm fine, but you obviously aren't. I need to see you happy again, to talk to you and nag and make you smile_ ~~

_Bryony's making those brownies you love, and Calla made you a 'Get Well Soon' ('get wel sun') card. The party starts at 2, but you can always help out in the kitchen. Bry says you make some sick Rice Krispie buns, and we both know it would be greatly appreciated by the soon-to-be diabetics we call the Oda family. So... make the effort to come. If not a gift for Cally, then it would absolutely make my day. It's hard without you around._

_Please answer this letter, Sebastian. Don't make me write it again, paraphrasing and pretending as if my words will ever mean anything to you. Do I deserve this? I want to hear you tell me 'no', but somehow I know all there will be is silence._

_Yours, Joseph_  

* * *

_November 19th, '15_

_Dear Sebastian,_

_I hope you didn't read my last letter, because if you did, you willingly ignored that invitation. The birthday party was celebrated seamlessly, but there was one obvious elephant in the room._

_Cally should have been the one offended, demanding your presence- but she, ironically, is not the childish one here. I am. Part of me wants to stomp my foot like a needy toddler and whine that you don't want to spend time with me because, somehow, that lovely little party for my lovely little girl felt lonely. All my family made the journey, but you didn't. _

_It could've felt like betrayal, but perhaps that would've been too hypocritical of me._

_I shouldn't be annoyed that you stayed home, Seb. Who am I to try and understand you? You've been shutting me out as long as I've known you. You lost your baby; you lost your wife. You lost me, and I lost you._

_Are you alone, Sebastian? Is there somebody else keeping you company, and laughing with you? Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if I knew you were happy with someone else. ~~Maybe it would hurt so much more~~._

_Sorry to cut this short, but Cally's crying. She asked for 'Sebsy', and I told her you went away for a while. She said, 'like Nori?' as if your absence was the equivalent of when our old cat died. God knows she's cried for you, too. Everyone's acting as if you're long gone, Seb. Please stay with ~~me~~ us._

_Yours, Joseph_

* * *

_November 24th, '15_

_Seb,_

_I visited you yesterday. I don't think you'll remember, because you opened the door with a shit-eating grin and breath that smelled like puke and whiskey. You pulled me in for some drunken man-hug and told me you missed me. I couldn't get a word in. I don't remember you ever being such a happy drunk. I don't remember you being happy. _

_You let me in, and that was further than I'd expected to get. I don't think I fully comprehended how wasted you were. I kept trying to tell you how much I missed you; that I was worried about your drinking and just plain worried about you. You laughed it off, not quite seeming to hear me. You never called me by my name, so I almost doubt that you even knew it was me. I thought you were going to punch me. Your welcoming attitude threw me off guard._

_When I finally realised how entirely inebriated you were, I attempted to grab at your bottle. You held it closely, almost cradling it. You snorted as if it was a game, a drinking game that I was obviously losing, as per usual. You offered me a drink for some reason, and in the manner of some self-sacrificing hero I downed the whole bottle._

_The hangover still haunts me now, because that shit was strong, Seb. You'll kill yourself choking down that god-powered whisky. I think I saw the light while trying to swallow some._

_I guess I was foolish enough to gradually compete with you for the title of 'most drunk' or 'most stupid', because although I remember what happened next, it only left a rather blurry impression of the night. We stumbled onto the couch and made crappy jokes and talked for a while. It was a godawful experience, because neither of us were acting like ourselves. It felt like some kind of forced (shitty) sitcom. What followed was mere silence._

_Then, if I recall correctly, we both got angry at the wrong time. I think I called you a coward. You staggered away and passed out in the bath tub. It was as if you were in another world, and I couldn't wake you up. I fell asleep on your sofa, ~~using your massive jumper as some sort of blanket~~. _

_When I woke up, I didn't hesitate to run away. I never checked if you were alright, but I don't think you'd be so friendly to me while sober. That doesn't really excuse my actions though. I'm sorry, Seb._

_I just want to talk to you without the barrier of drink._

_Yours, Joseph_

* * *

_November 30th, '15_

_Dear Sebastian,_

_Bryony keeps telling me to take time off work, and though I know she's right, it still feels wrong. It would feel like an irony against you, Seb. Except your downtime is a lot less relaxing I'd assume. A lot less fair._

_I did it for you. Please, don't hate me, Sebastian. You're so important to me ~~-~~ ~~I thought you felt the same way~~. Without you, the world is just so empty. God does that sound ungrateful. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. I love Cally. I just don't deserve them anymore. _

_Everything is too perfect when you're not around, and it just feels so hollow. Like nothing matters. I thought a flawless existence was all I ever wanted, but I'd rather ~~just die~~ just see you again, Seb. You're the ~~noose~~ rope that keeps everything from falling apart. _

_Was I always just another burden? Maybe you're better off without me. Lucky you._

_... I'm sorry._

_Yours, Joseph_

* * *

_December 6th, '15_

_Seb Castellanos,_

_Your taring me a part just lik this fucking leter_

_Jo_

* * *

_December 11th, '15_

_Dear Sebastian,_

_Bryony caught me drinking, but I swear I was being careful. Regardless, she wants me to 'get help'. To 'tell her what's wrong'. I don't want help though, Sebastian. There's nothing wrong with me. I told her as much, but she reacted how you always do. By not saying anything at all._

_Except, then she cried. She cried, Seb, and she told me that I wasn't the only one hurting. She even started yelling- she never yells! She shouted at the top of her lungs until her voice broke and she cradled her face in her hands. She just whispered then. "'I can't fix you anymore. I can't even reach you. You're so far away.'_

_I muttered 'I love you,' and 'I'm sorry'. She kind of smiled. 'Don't lie.' In answer to what, I'm not sure. I don't think I want to know._

_She walked away and I realised that nothing had ever been perfect, Seb. Nothing._ 

_Yours, Joseph._

* * *

_December 19th, '15_

_Dear Sebastian,_

_I don't know what to do anymore. I think I'm alone, now. Bry left about a week ago to stay at her parents' house, ~~though I don't remember exactly when~~ , and she took Cally with her. She said that she needed some time to herself, to 'consider'. Consider what? ~~I hope she's not going to leave me too~~_

_Seb, I hate it, but I'm scared. Was I too distant a husband? Too ineffective a father? I wasn't home enough: I wasn't good enough._

_I'm turning to a ghost for help. I'm fucking turning to you, Sebastian! I was there for you ~~when she left~~. I made you meals and coffee and promises, and you made me trust you. As per usual, though, it seems that it wasn't enough. _

_Is nothing enough, Seb?_

_I can't fucking make things better. It's all I need- some kind of damn solution, a formula to success, the secret to happiness..._

_This can't be happening. The house is empty. Cally left her favourite teddy behind. Is this how you felt? Their belongings are everywhere- their clothes, books and even pyjamas. It's as though they're hiding in a room I can't see; so close, but unreachable through the walls._

_I don't think I'm making sense, but what does that matter anymore. I don't care. I don't care._

_Fuck, Seb. I really, really care. ~~Divorce... that's a terrifying word.~~_

_Yours, Joseph_

* * *

_December 24th, '15_

_Dammit Seb, I'm not spending Christmas alone. And neither are you._

_Yours, Joseph_

* * *

  ** ~~ _..._~~**

* * *

_January 10th, '16_

_Dear Sebastian,_

_I'm... I'm sorry I haven't contacted you. ~~I should have. I miss you, even now.~~ You probably expected me to. And, for the first time, you probably planned on reading my letter. Maybe you thought it would make you smile. _

_I can't promise you that anymore, Seb. And I'm so, so sorry._ _I know I told you things- shit that you never imagined I'd confess. I know I said I missed you more than anything... I know I said 'I love you'._

_But, ~~I can't~~    ~~it's not fair on you~~   ~~I'm married~~   ~~I'll never stop loving you~~  I was wrong. _

_They came home that night. When I arrived that morning I was greeted by Bry's embrace and Cally's laughter. Their flight was delayed, though they'd tried to get home to celebrate with me. Bryony didn't want a divorce, Sebastian. She went to her parents because she 'thought I needed space', and that it would give you and I a chance to mend our friendship again. I guess she was right, in some way._

_She had even texted me every day, reminding me that she loved me dearly and would be home soon. She sent messages describing how Calla was, as well as the weather and other simpler things. I hadn't thought to check my phone. Y ~~ou don't text me, so I didn't think it was worth it.~~_

_I can't leave her now. I'm going to be a better husband, and a better father. Bryony is pregnant. I'm going to have another child._

_I love her, Seb. So ~~I can't love you anymore~~ I need to stay with her. I'll be the amazing figure you were to your family. The idol that Cally will never cease to adore. Because you're still family. _

~~_I fucked up, and christ, I'm sorry. Please, never look back on that beautiful Christmas and think of it as a lie. It was the most honest I've ever been. That night, I loved you more than anyone in the world. It didn't feel empty. It... it was perfect. I don't want to give this, give you, up. But I'm a coward, Seb. I can't go anywhere near my wife's heart, not for fear of breaking it, but rather because I've forgotten how. _ ~~

_I think it's best we pretend that night never happened. ~~It really hurts to say it, but I can't abandon my family now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry.~~ It's better that way. _

_Yours, Joseph Oda_

* * *

_January 13th, '16_

_Joseph Oda,_

~~~~_I won't lie to you, Joseph. When I first read your letter I was so fucking pissed- pissed as in drunk out of my mind, but also pissed in the form of 'fuck you'. So, yeah. Fuck you._

_To be honest, I always knew this wouldn't last. You love Bryony so damn much. I'm just an afterthought you came up with when you were scared shitless of divorce. I'm not dismissing you as a liar though- maybe in that moment you truly thought you loved me. And I guess that moment was enough._

_I won't be telling anyone about what happened... I mean, fuck, Joseph, nothing happened. I was drunk, you were depressed. We were grasping at straws that weren't there. Don't worry about it. It didn't mean anything. I understand that you were upset. Any guy would._

_Penning this makes me feel like I'm fucking sixty, but you're not replying to any of my calls and I sure as hell amn't about to storm into your house. You're like a grandmother when someone offers you a phone, trying to tap away at the screen with your medieval walking stick. In short, it takes a hell of a long time. Though if I did try and see you uninvited, Bry would have a heart-attack- and I doubt you'd appreciate another inconvenience._

_Don't apologise: I really don't give a damn. Although what you've done is pretty shitty, I still shouldn't have just given you the cold-shoulder when I was reported. We're friends, and maybe I haven't forgiven you yet, but you should forgive yourself first. You did what you thought was right, even though it was really fucking unnecessary._

_I have Cal's birthday present. Warn your family that 'Sebsy' is visiting next Wednesday and expects the essentials, such as sugary shit and company._

_You'll be fine, Joseph. Don't worry over something as meaningless as a Christmas alone._

_\- Sebastian_

* * *

 

 

 


End file.
